BEST HOST EVER
by Xyshuryn
Summary: Kyuubi. Naruto. Reluctant friends at first, soon they even have Kami joining them in a deal. But that doesn't mean they're not dicks, right? ONESHOT


Disclaimer/Rant: I do not own Naruto. Kishimoto-san, TV Tokyo, and various Jump magazine publications do however. If I owned Naruto, Sasuke would've taken a subaku sousou and subaku kyuu to the nards in his fight with Gaara, Orochimaru would've had the soul of his head cut out instead of his arms, Kisame would be served with fries and tartar sauce, and Naruto would be getting more tail than a cross-eyed kyuubi looking into a broken mirror. Thank you...

It had been seventeen years since the Kyuubi had attacked Konoha, and right now, our favorite jinchuuriki was sitting proudly on his father's head. The one carved into the mountain you moron. He not only knew about his family, but he'd found a living relative on his journies as a young one and didn't even know it. Although, the fact that he slept with her before he found out they were related only made it easier the next time around... and the time after that... and the time after that.

As for Kyuubi, he was laid back, chillin' in Naruto's belly. They'd come to an arrangement the night of Mizuki betraying the secret behind him, and since then, only the Sandaime, Tsunade, Shizune, Kakashi, and Jiraiya... Kami rest his soul.. knew about it. The agreement was simple. For the time being Naruto would train his ass off doing whatever his sensei or Kyuubi-sama had requested. Why _sama_ for Kyuubi you ask? It was the rest of the deal.

First, until Naruto was at least on par with Gai and Kakashi, Kyuubi would lessen the pain from serious attacks, but, would make every day experiences more than ten times better. The only catch? He had to let Kyuubi experience everything he did. And when he had his first improptu kiss with another female...one Inuzuka Hana whom was in heat and her mother was trying to pull her away.. but not before they both got each other off through dry humping. This was the day after Naruto healed from the Invasion.

It was then Naruto struck another bargain with the Kyuubi, one the Kyuubi couldn't pass up. It was a multi-part deal so they had to get the wording right, so even Kami-sama herself came in to do the conract. She too ended up giving him a nice big kiss, but as their tongues danced, driving Kyuubi insane as he felt the pleasure coming from it, he could barely notice Naruto getting smarter, or the diety giving him what the girls want.

When Kami-sama ended the kiss, Naruto and Kyuubi both sat there with shit eating grins on their faces... until the elder deity smacked them with a giant pain of wooden mallets, which broke. But then again, we both knew they were hard-headed. Kami then unrolled a scroll and began dictating things tht Naruto wanted, and was willing to give the fox in exchange.

Naruto simply wanted to get through puberty faster, to give off more arousing pheremones that affected women only, he wanted the kitsune summoning contract instead of the toad, that way Naruto could summon Kyuubi out for air, or... well, that tied into his next request.

Naruto also requested a jutsu that would let him send things into the seal with Kyuubi through summoning conracts or storage scrolls, that way he could summon Kyuubi "entertainment"if he wanted, and be alone with the woman or women he was with... so Kyuubi could get pleasure of his own, even though they'd both still feel it from each other. The final two, were shocking to both Kyuubi, and Kami.

In fact, Kami stopped him, andhad him run it by her a few dozen more times, "Excuse me, Mine-And-Kyuubi's-Gift-to-Women-sama... say those last two again." Sighing softly Naruto turned and hugged Kami, the creator herself, and stroked fingers through her hair. "I said Kami-hime, " which earned a blush from the Elder deity, "I wish to become a Hanyou, Kyuubi-tou-san's adopted son as it were, so I can learn more about him and kitsune. Also, instead of dying instantly with me... should I die anywhere but by natural causes... I want Kyuubi to be released to avenge me and protect my loved ones living out the life I would've lived, but in his own body."

Finally, Kami added that to the list. "Okay, Naruto, what can you offer Kyuubi in exchange for all of this?" Naruto smiled "Well, there is the afore-mentioned "entertainment" and life with a purpose, the ability to shape me into the greatest host to one of the nine-tailed-lords EVER by kicking their asses, starting with Gaara since he seems unstable, then I'll have Kyuubi-sama help me fix his seal, and we'll start hunting down those pig-fuckers you called, umm... ass munchy... ass cocky... ass bukake... " "Akatsuki, Naruto" He grinned, letting her know that he knew, and was just fucking with her.

When Kami turned to Kyuubi, she was about to ask if he wanted to change, however, before that could happen the kyuubi had stamped his paw in his own blood and slammed it on the scroll, staring at Naruto who immediately went over and did the ame thing. Kami smiled at said, Kyuubi meet your new otokonoko (baby boy/boy). They both snorted and at the same time said **"Otokonoko my ass! More like Ukareotoko (playboy)."** Seeing they said the same thing at the same time, to Kami no less, they hugged.

Back in the real world, the physical changes were made, and Naruto leaned the jutsus he'd need. It was also during this tim he ran into Roachy-Obaa-chan, which he said out loud, causing the few oto nin to laugh, as well as the Suna Siblings, Baki, Hayate Gekkou, and Mitarashi Anko, whom thanked him by cutting his neck and lapping at his blood... which she suddenly found addictive.

Orochimaru took that time to launch an attack at Naruto with Kusanagi, slicing open his shoulder and sending a spray of blood onto Kin, who, like Anko, wanted more of the stuff. Naruto had to pry her and Anko off before revealing his hanyou form... consisting of pants made from Manda's shed skin, dyed black, and reinforced. The shirt was a sleeveless mesh turtleneck, showing off his body. His hair had also gone from short and unroly to hanging half-way down back.

"To think, Roachy-obaa-chan... " more snickers, this time getting dosu and zaku very dead, making naruto grin wider, "I was just out to do a little breaking and entering so I could find things to help spruce up Kyuubi-tou-san's cell. By now the fighting had drawn quite a large gathering of people, including all of the rookies. Noticing this, he grinned again, and explained who he was, and what he was, while Roachy tried to get in one last cheap shot before running. But instead of him giving the cheap shot, he got bitchslapped through the village wall and straight back to Oto.

Anko and Kin were the first to save Naruto after he left his Hanyou state... and after explaining how to help Gaara.. in such a way that Kankuro himself was even able to do it, Naruto vouched for the safety of Kin and Temari. It was that night his life changed forever... because that was the night, not only did he learn who he was, Konoha learned about him. It was also that night Kyuubi had chibi's on himself... summoned of course... waving "BEST HOST EVER!" while Kyuubi-sama himself had changed into a human formm, looking like Naruto, but it was pulely for fun.

Why? Because when the kit woke up, he was naked, bloody, sore (in all the best ways), and had Anko and Kin bandaged from his retaliation, not to mention he was hoping they were using protection jutsus. Same with ANBU captain Uzuki Yuugao, Inuzuka Hana... and her triplets whom he'd summoned foxes equal in size for, Sakura... though she only agreed to take it in the ass until she was sure she wanted him to be her first. As for Kyuubi... well, he'd been satiated by three vixens with 7 tails and one with 8.

Now, all these years later, he'd married most of them, and it was a coincidense that Tsunade picked up that the council 's arranged marriage between him and Hinata and Hanabi from the Hyuuga clan was not only politically a smart move for him, but when they got the news that they were related through Namikaze Minato's aunt, whom was a Hyuuga that had Hinata and Hanabi. This was used as leverage against the rest, with the Daimyou calling them sick fuckers. When questioned, Hiashi just smiled and said in the the eyes of the clans, he'd seen brother marry sister. Distant cousins wouldn't hurt...

However, today for Naruto, distant cousins would hurt. Why? Because everybody else was sick with his kids, but them, and they felt left out. Drawing kunai out, they grinned... and Kyuubi was howling in laughter. "Kit, you really are the best host ever, but I'll just give you a boost in healing factor and take a nap." Inwardly Naruto growled and thought **INNER MULTI SUMMONING JUTSU: Kitsune Temes Pregnant Mates**. Sure enough, Kyuubi screamed in horror as twelve very angy, very pregnant, and very horny kitsune mothers to be tore into him, while Hinata and Hanabi, who'd both filled out nicely over the years, began to rectify their lack of heirs in their bellies.

Kami above was smilin down, "Geez, Naruto... You may be the best host ever, but not even Kyuubi deserved that." Kami started laughing, then peeked down again, blushing as Naruto began undressing the sisters. Sighing to herself, she shrugged. "What the heck, I'm not getting any younger... and I'm due to deliver a messiah soon." And with that, Kami went off to join poor, poor Naru-kun.


End file.
